Life changes you in ways you can’t imagine.
As a teenager, I had a bigger heart, a lot of patience, and an unbelievably high threshold to handle bad behavior.
I’d let people treat me the way they wanted to. My high acceptance allowed them to take me for granted.
It was unknown to me that I could control their behavior. I was a people pleaser trying to please everyone at the stake of emotional and mental health.
I treated myself miserably and got hurt by trusting people. Still, I kept forgiving them thinking they’d change.
Most of them never changed and the fear of losing them crept in. I continued to forgive people and give them second chances and they continued their usual behavior.
First chance become second chance. Second chance became third and the cycle kept going until one day…
The first chance becomes a second chance.
The second chance became the third and the cycle kept going until I understood the human psyche that changed the way I function with other humans.
I don’t believe in second chances
It wasn’t an epiphany that made me stop giving people more chances than they deserved.
It was a prolonged period of falling and getting up from the tunnel of forced relationships.
It was a test of my patience and my goodwill. Giving people second chances meant I regained my trust in them.
Giving people second chances meant I regained my trust in them.
In reality, I never got back the confidence to trust them again. I forgave them because that’s what I’ve seen people do – mumble “it’s okay” and move on.
The concept of forced forgiveness
Our elders imposed the philosophy of forgiveness on us. People were sweeter, more graceful, and more innocent in their lives. There wasn’t so much competition and exposure as today. Their philosophy of forgiveness may not be appropriate for our time.
But do we actually forgive people we give second chances to? No, we do it because that’s the norm. We do it because we don’t know what else to do.
My innocence and unawareness of the world made me forgive my long-term ex-boyfriend for various reasons.
This forced forgiveness made me forgive friends who went behind my back.
“People learn from their mistakes and they’ll change” – that’s what I used to think but I was wrong. I know how innocent I was and how little I know about this world.
I stopped giving second chances because people don’t need second chances
The first time they make a mistake and ask for forgiveness is when you give them their first chance. When they make yet another mistake is the time they come for second chances.
But should we give another chance to a person whose not learned from their previous mistakes?
The first time I forgave my ex after he mistreated me was challenging. But it makes it easier with every chance and I become habitual of such kind of behavior.
I kept forgiving people and they kept doing the things they were asking forgiveness for. This resulted in people taking me for granted because they knew I’d give them another chance.
Second chances make people take us lightly
It could be the people I am acquainted with or the situation.
But the boundaries still need to be filtered layer out good behavior from bad. Providing second and more chances is depleting that layer.
You can forgive people and still not give them another chance to be your friend again.
Forgiveness is private to me, I don’t feel the need to update it on my Facebook or send them a Forgiveness Update.
It’s me vs me now. Will I allow someone who’s broken my trust once to break it again? Of course not.
In a nutshell, I don’t give people second chances because
I have recently learned the importance of self-respect and I do not want to go through what hurt me again.
I have set high standards for people to enter my close circle. Once you lose my trust; there’s no coming back.
Learning human behavior is also a significant part I prefer not to give second chances. If they respected you, they wouldn’t treat you like that in the first place with various caveats of course.
This high standard allows other people to our relationship seriously.
The way we treat ourselves sets an example of how people treat us. Give them plenty of chances and they’ll walk over you. Set high standards for yourself and they’ll know how to treat you.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
We can’t control another person’s actions. What we can control is ourselves. This stoic ideology has helped me control my emotions and reactions.
As I dived deeper into this concept I stopped giving people second chances because that raises my expectations and lowered the emotional boundary I had built over these years.
People who genuinely make mistakes will rectify and improve with the first chance. They don’t need another. And people who do, need not be in your close circle.
I have forgiven all the people who have hurt me but I haven’t given them another chance to enter my safe space and hurt me again :)
What about you?
Last Week’s Finds
Lesson of the week
I had a viral piece last week on Medium, that reminded me how unpredictable the online writing world is. I am currently focusing on pushing out a couple of 1500-word pieces every week.
Book of the week
I have been away from books due to work and lack of focus. Hopefully, I will be back reading a book a month after the festive season.
Video of the week
During my flight yesterday from Delhi to Bhopal. I listened to David Perell’s podcast with Mark Manson. Mark shares his behind-the-scenes of his mega-successful book.
Quote of the week
“Curiosity about life in all of its aspects, I think, is still the secret of great creative people.” – Leo Burnett
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Should we keep "Last Week's Find" in this newsletter?
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Thank you for your continued readership and support of our newsletter. See you next Sunday.
Love and light!